This is likely to be my final written post here on ipanemic.com as I bring this chapter of my life to a close and move forward. The post is very long. It’s important to me so I hope you’ll take the time to read it through. I’ll put in some pretty pictures, break things up by section with headlines, and try to use wit along the way to keep your attention in the event that the story itself doesn’t. I may throw in distractions because I myself get distracted, and sometimes distractions are nice. (Is “I myself” right? Do I need commas there? It seems like I do. My writing has become atrocious.)
Really, I won’t blame you if you bail. Just so you know, though, I’ve set out a drink for you beside paragraph 20 to help you make it through. Replenish!
This is the First Headline
As I’m beginning to close up shop here at ipanemic.com I want to tell you about the journey to this place where I have lived for the past four years and what has transpired during my time here, publicly and privately. For better, not for worse, my real life has been intertwined with a virtual life on the internet for well over a decade. This is the story of both. Plus a little extra to complete the story. Some of the history is familiar to those who have been following along. A lot of it isn’t. Very, very few know the direction I’m heading, as transparent as it seems.
I tell this story with one intention, one hope: to make very clear the path I’m taking, why I’ve made the decisions I’ve made, and my purpose. As I said, it is long, but God is in the detail.
So. Let’s lift the curtain and meet the wizard!
A Brief History of My Life on the World Wide Web
Ipanemic.com was born not long before I left South Carolina to move to South Beach just under four five(!!) years ago. Prior to ipanemic.com, I ran the site twigleaf.com, which was an expansion of the first little site I maintained under (gasp!) Geocities.
My site on Geocities was created in 1999(?) for one very specific reason: to share photos of the lives of my little family (wife, two small boys, and yours truly) with extended family and friends as we had moved to Wellesley, Massachusetts, a million miles away from where the bulk of our relatives lived in North and South Carolina. It was a way to share with them.
In 2002, we returned to South Carolina. Twigleaf was born. (The reason for the choice of domain name is irrelevant.) Now that we were back around family, Twigleaf was still about family photos and simple things, though I had taken to writing often. And putting up whatever the hell I felt like putting up. Twigleaf became an extension of me, writing about whatever moved me, designing it in whatever fashion pleased my eye, and sharing with others the things I was thinking about.
INCOMING!!!
(insert foreshadowing link here)
Twigleaf was born while I was married to my first wife, the mother of my children. We split. Life became the three amigos. Alec, Zach, and Scott. They would spend the school years with me, summers and alternating holidays with their mom. Twigleaf reflected our lives.
And then I started dating. A lot. Truthfully, from my youth, I had hoped with all of my heart to find one woman. THE woman. I hoped to find the woman who would love me as intensely as I would certainly love her. I’ve always loved deeply and passionately. I strongly believe that love is one of the greatest experiences we have on this earth. (Outside of, you know, transcendental sex.)
But just as much, following my divorce, I hoped to be able to show my sons what love could really be. What it is. What it meant. I wanted to provide them with the best possible example of what a good relationship could and should be. My marriage had not been love. I wanted my sons to know love, not dysfunction.
As time went on, Twigleaf and I became more and more attached at the hip. I wrote very candidly about the events and people in my life. The women that would come into my life… they would became part of Twigleaf. Often, I would express how deeply I felt for them. Or simply relate entertaining stories about some adventure or another. On occasion, I would write long poems for the object of my affections. Sometimes, I would even pen haiku:
“You ARE the Big Fish.
Mount you on the wall? Oh no.
Kitchen table? Yes!”
(PRO-TIP: Chicks dig sexually suggestive haiku. Also humor.)
Love/Sick
I was in numerous relationships that I felt deeply about in the years following my divorce, each one ending, obviously. The last woman I was seriously involved with in South Carolina while still running Twigleaf broke me. I was certain that she was the woman I had been looking for all of my life. I loved her like none other. I saw such tremendous beauty. The sky had opened up with her and all of the clouds were gone. I bought a ring and proposed. We were engaged.
Our split was so devastating to me that I went into a deep depression which, in turn, took a heavy toll on me physically. My chronic neutropenia – permanently low white blood cell count – kicked into high gear and I suffered a number of health problems. Eventually, it led to me voluntarily leaving my web development job. I had been out of work off and on so much and had a surgery scheduled which I knew would put me out of the office for a long period of time. I felt it was best for the company to find a replacement.
Love was lost for me. My health was waning. And my life was so intricately intertwined with Twigleaf.com that… it was time to move. I had too much emotion invested. It would be months later before I actually moved. Shutting the site down, turning it back on… everything was at war inside: mentally, emotionally, and physically I was fighting on too many fronts.
(“All the aims I have pursued, will soon be realized. Life is a state of mind.”)
With my ex-fiance, it was three days after our first date that she sent me an email saying, “I love you and if I have anything to say about it, I’ll marry you.” Three days. She was the straw that broke the camel’s back. My relationship with her and it’s unfortunate end shook me to the point that I decided to step back and look at relationships, love, and sex… everything between a man and a woman with an analytical eye. I stopped romantic endeavors. I strove for objectivity to reach understanding. Every relationship I had been in post-marriage developed at lightning speed. Each one quicker than the one previous. It was time for evaluation. It was time for a change.
So Much Larger Than Life
Eventually, I moved to Miami, accepting a job offer as a consultant. And while this fact falls on the heels of that previous section, I moved for a host of reasons. Two of the larger reasons were: 1) that it was simply a great career opportunity, and 2) that it would put me right beside the ocean which would be optimal for my health. (Salt water is the best natural cure for some of my ailments.) And yes, I wanted to get away from the place where I had been suffering. I wanted a fresh start.
But is wasn’t simply those things. The stars just sort of aligned. For years following the divorce, I had planned on moving the three amigos once the boys got to be a certain age, trying to make a clean transition in where they were in school. South Carolina was never the place I wanted to raise them. I had never wanted to be there at all. South Carolina held no connection for me. But I wanted my sons to have broader experiences and allow their minds to flourish. I wanted them to have more opportunity. I wanted to build a better life for them. For me. For all of us. The time was right. Life was looking up.
The Birth of Ipanemic.com
Long before leaving South Carolina , I had already settled into my new home at Ipanemic.com. I was moving forward.
When I chose the name Ipanemic, it represented to me the two largest personal issues in my life: 1) my constant search for that perfect girl personified in the Girl from Ipanema, and 2) my blood disorder. With anemia (a shortage of red blood cells) being essentially the flip version of neutropenia:
Ipanema… anemic…
Voila! Ipanemic!
Good Times, Noodle Salad
Carol Connelly: OK, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you-…
Melvin Udall: It’s not true. Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that’s their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you’re that pissed that so many others had it good.
-from As Good as it Gets
During it’s virtual life, Ipanemic has been all over the place. Again, an accurate reflection of my life during this time. At times, wildly without direction. Sometimes, very focused on one thing, jumping over to that spot, then over there… wait, that would be a good spot for me!
Through all of it, there have been stories to tell. I’ve packed in a great deal of life experiences while I’ve been here, none of them involving Space or Cameo or <insert any club name here>. Some of the more notable events:
- I’ve done flat out weird things (oooh, a serious blast from the past with non-working pages!).
- I tried dating once (insert foreshadowing link here).
- One of the important items in the list, I discovered a new passion in photography. And I pursued it. And, much to my surprise, I was good at it. And people liked it. A lot. (Those numbers are many millions higher now; that was over a year ago.)
- I did something that few others in the history of this planet have done. (Although, really, who in their right minds would?)
- I’ve lived very comfortably alone, I’ve lived with dear friends, I’ve lived in hostels.
- Through the people I have come to know, I have found love on a wholly different level. I have been awestruck by the beauty in life. This was one of the other more important points on the list.
- And during my time here, I’ve experienced personal tragedy beyond anything I could ever imagine. Not a notable event. A life-changing event, putting a solid kink in my very purpose for moving here. A solid kink in life itself.
A Slight Detour Back in Time
I have become the person I am today because of ALL of my life experiences and the lessons drilled into me at an early age. As a youth, I was raised in a very traditional Christian household. It was the All-American, God-fearing childhood. Only in Saudi Arabia. Hand-made clothes as a toddler. Cowboys and Indians. Family vacations. Birthday parties. Trips into the desert. Trips to the suq. Church on Fridays. Movie night at home. Church again. The fascination with girls as puberty hit. School. Cheeseburgers at the snackbar with friends. Riding my bike all over town. Swimming in the community pool. Shrimp night at the town’s Dining Hall on Wednesday nights where families you knew sat at every table. Pancakes for breakfast Thursday mornings in the same Dining Hall, watching through large plate-glass windows, the young teenage girls (much older than me) competing against one another in tennis tournaments.
Sigh. Girls.
My parents were great parents. Throughout my life, they have been great parents. To all three of their children. They provided us with a solid family life. And they worked to instill values in us that I, naturally, believe are good values. Love, honor, respect, honesty. All of the classics.
And I’m going to pull now from a recent discussion I had with someone I’ve known since my childhood.
Let Me Reiterate and Stress…
I would not be the person I am today were it not for my parents and the decisions they made in helping to shape my life. My parents are strong Christian people who have been involved with the church throughout their lives. My mother has always been active in church groups and hosting gatherings of all shapes and sizes for as long as I’ve been alive. And my father, in his retirement, spent a number of years traveling to numerous third-world countries to help those less fortunate with Samaritan’s Purse, doing things like planning the building of schools and whatnot. Even, literally, giving the shoes off of his feet to someone without. A captain of industry with a strong sense of humility.
Those who know my parents respect them. They live their lives, not sometimes but at all times, with conviction and belief.
They are admirable not just in their devotion to their beliefs but in simply the people they are. They are good people. And I respect and love them both.
Similarly, they love and respect me even though some of the decisions I’ve made in this life would definitely not be theirs and we don’t share the same beliefs.*
In my youth, my parents decided that I should attend Stony Brook, a Christian boarding school, whose motto has been “Character Before Career,” an approach to life that seems common sense to me. In my opinion, the character of a man is far more important in the end than what he does for a living. We each have the ability and the opportunity, whether we like it or not, to influence the lives of others and our character determines the influence that we have…
*I don’t subscribe to any particular religious doctrine. I don’t judge others who do. To each, their own. But I do believe in good. Even in the worst moments of my life, I believe.
A Natural Conclusion
After everything I’ve just typed, I’m going to outline my direction in three simple points.
1) As I said, I believe in good. My natural instinct is to be good. To do good. And I believe in the goodness of humanity. And just as much, I believe in the butterfly effect.
2) There is today a rather substantial number of people who appreciate and follow my work. Somewhere in the range of 10-20,000. I surpassed 15 million total views on Flickr alone… I don’t even know how long ago that was. Day by day, the numbers grow. Day by day, I gain more exposure across more and more networks, on more and more sites. The work that I do, of course, is erotica. Photography and films. I have a knack for it. I’m good at it. And I enjoy the work that I do. Sex sells. And that’s the business I’m in.
3) My plan is very simple: I plan to grow my reach exponentially and through it spread goodness throughout humanity. I want to make the world a better place. And I’m in a unique position where I can do it. The more people I can reach, the greater impact I can have on society. I want to show others that the world doesn’t have to be so ugly. That there is beauty everywhere. I want to raise awareness of issues; not just of issues important to me, but ones that are important to many. I want to inspire and bring out the goodness in others. I want to reach in and pull it out of them.
Where I Am
Right now, I have absolutely nothing on (string of NSFW links to follow) my new website, my new twitter account, my new facebook page, my new tumblr account, nor my new blog that is doing anything other than further promoting the erotica that I produce.
Reason? Because I’m being very meticulous about this. I want to make sure I do it right. Even with the various sites I’ve listed, my plans actually extend well beyond them. I’m being as careful with this as I’ve been in developing this erotic Goliath I’ve built up to this point. I’ve spent the past four years working my ass off at this. It’s been a very, very concentrated effort. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t worked on erotica in some way or another. Even days when I wasn’t publishing anything, I was doing some related work. My trip across the U.S? I cannot tell you how many hours I spent EACH DAY working on erotica in a coffee shop somewhere. It has been non-stop. I have poured my heart and soul into this. With little sleep. Burning out more than a couple of times. And even in burnout stage, I would sit in front of the computer and do work of some sort.
Every. Single. Day.
Now You Know
So now you know. Now you know my plans and what I am doing and where I am going. Now you know and hopefully understand my direction.
I realize that my methods are unorthodox. But I’m not really an orthodox kind of guy. I see that I have a gift. And I’m going to use it to do something good.
Hello. I Am Scott Alexander.
Before I end this, I want to answer one remaining question: Scott Alexander. Why?
When my oldest son Alec was born, he took my middle name for his middle name: Benjamin Alexander
When my youngest son Zach was born, he took my first name for his middle name: Zachary Scott
Scott Alexander represents for me a circle that binds the three of us together. It is personal and it holds my heart.
With this name, I will do good things.
Epilogue
(Because this has been like a novel)
I don’t fault anyone for judging me for what I do. For finding fault with my way. I realize that I tread on morally questionable ground for most and that my views on sexuality fall well outside the norm. And I’m not going to go into my views on it because that’s a story about as long as this one. But your opinion about what I do is fine with me. I still feel the same way about you that I always have. There’s a great quote from the movie Adaptation that expresses well my approach to others. I have carried this quote with me since I saw that film when it came out. I want to share it with you now.
Charlie Kaufman: There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh.
Donald Kaufman: Oh, God. I was so in love with her.
Charlie Kaufman: I know. And you were flirting with her. And she was being really sweet to you.
Donald Kaufman: I remember that.
Charlie Kaufman: Then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. And it was like they were laughing at *me*. You didn’t know at all. You seemed so happy.
Donald Kaufman: I knew. I heard them.
Charlie Kaufman: How come you looked so happy?
Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn’t have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.
Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic.
Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That’s what I decided a long time ago.
-from Adaptation










