Wikipedia (which is the known trusted source of human knowledge or something close to it) has this introduction for their entry on Catharsis:

Catharsis is the emotional cleansing of the audience and/or characters in the play. In relation to drama it is an extreme change in emotion resulting from strong feelings of sorrow, fear, pity, or laughter; this result has been described as a purification or a purging of such emotions (whether those of the characters in the play or of the audience). More recently such terms as restoration, renewal, and revitalization have been used in relation to the effect on members of the audience.

Two Mondays ago, all twenty-four hours spun around the clock. Just like the day before and the day after. Somewhere during that twenty-four hours, though, my oldest son, Alec, took his life. He killed himself. This is the reality that’s day by day sinking more and more into me.

I want to tell you a brief and small story that is unimportant but relevant (well kind of crucial to what I’m getting at, I guess):

Just after 6pm on Monday, March 1st, 2010, a call was coming in on my cell. I looked at the name and it was the name of my ex-mother-in-law. I thought that peculiar because I never talk to her. I’m the devil in those parts and I thought we had an understanding.

Something was wrong.

I answer the call and it is my ex-wife.
“Scott?”
“Hello?”
“Scott? Alec is dead. He killed himself.”

After this point, the conversation is lost to me. I know that I scream. I know that I scream. I know that every bit of pain that is possible in the world has turned into the sharpest of blades and shoved through my heart. I keep saying, “Tell me you’re kidding. Tell me you’re kidding.”

I don’t want to believe. It is impossible to believe. It can’t be believed.

Two of my friends and neighbors are there*. I don’t know what’s going on. But I know I say, “There has to be good in this. There has to be good in this.”

Later that evening, and after saying goodbye to my bride of three days , I boarded a plane and flew northward to where my family was. My other son, his younger brother. My parents, his grandparents. My ex-wife, his mother. On the plane, I tell myself repeatedly, “Try to act normal, try to act normal. Just blend in. Don’t lose it.” The alcohol swirling around in my body kills only my motor skills, not any of my awareness, and certainly not any pain.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know who to say it to, but I’m in a weird place.
This site has always been my life.
I will have to say some things.
I am torn in so many directions.
I feel guilt. And I feel guilt for saying anything.
And guilt is such a worthless feeling.

I’ve thought about this. Not a lot, but probably about as much time as needs to be spent thinking about it: and I think I need to just say things here. I don’t have anywhere else to go. This little space where I can type is my comfort spot. It’s where I can run to and say things. And not say things. It’s my Catharsis. And I hate it. For you. I’m sorry. Although, “I’m sorry” is a phrase someone else recently told me I have to get out of my system.

I guess this is my introduction for my entry on Catharsis. I’m sorry. I just need to say things here.

And it’s made me think about some things. Whether or not I stay at ipanemic or eventually move to another website, I’ll definitely be restructuring, I believe. Photos have been daily life for me. Street, friends, models. I’m going to change the site to integrate things and run my life in front of you in a more obvious pattern. This site is my life, so I should present it more obviously than I do it. Or, that’s what feels right.

These are the seats on bus I rode at the airport, apparently. I had coffee with me that I must have purchased. I rode the bus from somewhere to somewhere.

This is all I have for now, really.

*I was thinking that freighbor would be a good word to use when identifying someone who is both friend and neighbor. But then I thought it sounded stupid. And the spelling looks retarded. (By the way, I can use the word retarded because I am partially if not fully retarded.)

Oh, additional note: Apparently, I can go from really sad to really happy now. Without warning in most cases. Hm. Sounds like a medical condition. I say this because happy me is just around the corner and ready to pop out! I’m really mellow me right now, though.

Final, final note: Mantras are good.

Tags: death, Life, love, suicide

At 4pm this afternoon, we will be burying Alec.

I would ask for one thing from those of you who can’t attend the service but who knew Alec, myself, his mother, his brother, his girlfriend, or any of the rest of our family: please take a moment of silence at that time to remember him.

An aunt of Alec’s was kind enough to set up a page on Facebook for friends and family to share stories, photos, videos, and to send their love. The page is aptly named “In loving memory of Alec Branch” and can be found here.

At the visitation on Saturday night, there were over 400 people that came through the line. I wanted to mention to those that came to pay their respects then: the songs that were playing in the reception area were all favorites of Alec’s. We picked out his music ahead of time and compiled some CDS to loop. (There was a lot of music that didn’t make the cut either because we didn’t have it or felt it MIGHT not be appropriate music to be playing in the background. That being said, “Get on Up” by James Brown somehow slipped past me. I know it startled some of the older generation to hear the godfather of soul belting out the words “Sex Machine” in the funeral home. I can only picture Alec just laughing and laughing and laughing over that, though. So it’s all good. )

In any event, I want to express my gratitude to friends and family once more for all of your love, your kindess, and your support during this time.

Alec was an amazing person. I hope that today (and every day) is more a remembrance of his life than of his death.

Everyone,

This post is going to be somewhat short and I have soooooo much to say, but I need to get a message out right now. Everything feels like it’s happening at lightning speed.

I don’t know where to begin. I can’t thank everyone enough for your love and support. As a lot of you know, I’ve been on Facebook communicating as much as I can. For the next few days, I’m going to try to post general stuff here and then repost to facebook so that I don’t miss anyone.

Logistically, these are the details:
I am in Charlotte, NC. This city is sort of the home area of my family. My ex-wife and her family are in Newberry, SC. I’ve been spending the nights in Charlotte and driving the two hours to Newberry during the day.

The funeral is on Monday because of Zachary. He had a youth ski trip planned for a long time and his mother and I felt it was important that he go. His mentor in this group… his father committed suicide and we thought it would be good for Zach to have this time.

Visitation is on Saturday while Zach is away and we agreed on that for my sister, Beth and her daughter Katie who have flown in from Copenhagen. They, unfortunately, won’t be able to attend the funeral but will be here for that. So that’s good. Beth and Katie arrived last night.

I would like to tell you this:

Alec left a note before he killed himself. He sent his love to all.

If I could offer anyone any comfort at all, I would ask that you embrace every good memory of him and the love that he had for you. He had love in his heart for all. He was an amazing person and I am sooooo very lucky to have had him as a son and a friend. I’m so incredibly grateful for him. It’s unfortunate, to say the least, that his life has ended. I’m just so very fortunate to have had 18 years with him.

I’m doing okay. I’ve been able to take great comfort in the love that Alec and I had for each other. And I’ve been able to take great comfort in the love and support offered by my friends.

Thank you. I’ll be in touch.

Also, if you haven’t been to Alec’s Facebook page, please visit. The outpouring of love, the memories of his life shared… phenomenal.

I want to say thank you en masse for all of your love. To all of the many friends who have reached out across this globe to share your love by phone, by message, by whatever means you have been able to, I thank you.

We are having visitation on Saturday, the funeral will be on Monday. The details are contained within the obituary that follows and should appear in The State Newspaper and The Miami Herald.

http://www.whitakerfuneralhome.com/obit.shtml#newsitemEkyZVyVVpluhvTvuIn

Please keep us in your thoughts. While I manage to compose a relatively coherent message, I, along with Alec’s mother, and the rest of his family are in absolute hysterics.

Alec was so beautiful.

I beg that you please send all positive thoughts, energies, prayers, whatever you have this way to my family and I. I’m in Charlotte, NC, tonight and will be in Newberry, SC in the morning.

Alec, my oldest son, committed suicide on Monday, March 1st, 2010.

I just want to ask that you keep all of us in your thoughts, especially Alec’s younger brother, Zachary. This isn’t a particularly easy time for any of us. But it’ll be fine. Alec was such a beautiful soul and I’m sure that there is sense in this somewhere. I know there is.

I’ve been lucky to have two beautiful boys in my life. I’ve been so lucky. I’m grateful for all of the lives Alec touched because I know what an impact he had. He and his brother both are amazing individuals. Just keep us in your thoughts. Please.

I know that some of you have photos of Alec from old parties and whatnot (South Beach, Lexington, etc..). If you could email me any copies of any photos you may have, I would appreciate it. scott@ipanemic.com

I left my cellphone charger on the beach. Those of you who know my parents can reach me through them. Email, I hope to have back tomorrow.

My Love,
My Muse,
My Wife.

(And, of course, Bella. )

This is a new chapter. I will be slowly shutting down ipanemic.com. I will leave ipanemic.com online, I believe, but I will stop updating.

Scott and Salome are happy.

I’m entering my dark period! No, I kid. This was from the recent pregnancy shoot I did over the weekend. There was this one photo of the soon-to-be-mother standing in front of the ocean. I looked at it untouched and, in full color, I fell in love. Beautiful blue skies, the ocean, a radiant mom, with her small belly holding their first child portruding just a bit. I loved the photo. Untouched, I was pleased: I felt I was capturing complete joy at that moment.

And then I saw the silhouette. Then the image took a left turn.

Scott is happy.
(In a happy ending to this story, the mom and dad got the beautiful happy color photo, which is a probably really good memory to keep. I gave them this one, too, since, you know… their photos. )

I’ve been making arrangements lately to leave this life o’ mine here. Temporarily. I don’t know for how long. Hopefully, I will be gone no longer than a month.

I’m spending the next few days wrapping up projects. Tending to this and that before I break for intermission.

A really happy moment I wanted to share with you: In the last few days, I did a pregnancy shoot for some good friends of mine. They’re such wonderful people. (I know they read this so I have to say that. No, they really are.) Anyway, it was great seeing them and I’m really happy with the results. When I look through photos that I’ve taken, the shots capturing important moments in their lives have been some of my favorites. A birthday, a wedding, and now a pregnancy. I’m glad I’ve been there for that. And I’m glad I’ve been able to give back a little to them for their friendship. Thanks guys. You’re awesome.

They’re actually the people that advised I get business cards made that read:

ipanemic.com photography
Birthdays, Bar Mitzvahs, & Porn!

Funny.

It would be fitting, although, you know… not in porn. Art, people. Art.

Seriously. (Except for bits and pieces, I suppose.)

Back to what I was saying (because I do tend to get off-topic), yesterday, working under the assumption that I will return to this beach, I rented a storage unit. A small place to keep what few belongings I have. And there I saw what I already knew: Miami’s homeless rent storage spaces. They rent small places to keep what few belongings they have.

About a year and a half ago, I met a fellow on the beach who told me that he lived like this. Every month he got a certain amount of money from sources unknown. Disability, let’s say. He spent some of it on storage and then ate inexpensive meals until the money ran out at which point he would do what so many of the homeless do in South Beach and rummage through the trash bins dotting this island. You know, the green bins all over Lincoln Road and Ocean Drive. And Washington Ave. He would tell me what good meals you could get on the beach. From the bins. He would sleep wherever he found refuge each night. Then, in the mornings, he would collect what he needed from his “home” and head to one of his familiar haunts to sit down and read whatever latest book he’s checked out from the public library. This is his life.

And it’s the life of many here. When I was describing the scene to my roommate last night, he only asked, “You’re not thinking of doing that, are you?”

I would be lying if I said that I haven’t considered it. Many, many times. Many. But no, I’m not. Instead, I’m heading elsewhere. Somewhere with a roof. I have that option. I’m fortunate that I do.

So I’m going there to focus. I haven’t been able to get stuff done here. Not as much lately as I’d like. I really need to concentrate a little more than normal. The problem with having multiple personality disorder is that you frequently need to regroup. And it’s not always easy pulling the whole team together.

Anyway, I’m going to be out for a bit. I’ll still be updating. Snapshots of life here, snapshots of life there. I’ve got such a ridiculous amount of photos and video of this place that, were I not announcing my time off, I could keep up a facade of actually living here for a while with you being none the wiser. But that would just be silly.

I should be leaving within the next few days.

Bonus

New song, PA1974. Downloadable mp3 here.

Or listen here:

PA1974

Update: The mp3 files are getting cut short in the player for some reason. About 14 seconds off the end, roughly. The downloaded version works okay. Weird. Need to solve that.

This is laslo vii.

This is the music I created for the video I’ve been working on for the past two weeks. Video with Ginger and Salome. Salome + Ginger. I’m so excited. I wrap it all up this weekend. I just got some extra footage today and some more tonight and…. I just can’t wait!!!!

Anyway, keep in mind that this is background music for the video. Kind of. The focus in the video is on the models, Ginger and Salome. Regardless, my point is that it’s going to be pretty repetitive, although you’ll hear the development. Reallllllly love the second part of this after the bridge. I’m actually really very happy with this overall. Very. I need to adjust recording quality, because it sounds so much more rich and full in production than recorded. Levels, I suppose.

laslo vii.

laslo vii

Feed people, mp3 file here.