Got an email earlier tonight from support at eFax who I signed up with a while back. I had meant to cancel the account a while back since I never use it but had forgotten to do so; the email jarred my memory.
I go to their site to cancel my account. Where’s the cancel button? Not in my profile. Not in billing options, not in preferences, not in account management anywhere. Click on help. Search for “cancel”. Link to an article comes up. The article says you have to enter a chat conversation with their staff to cancel your account.
Well, this just sucks monkey balls.
Fine, I’ll click on the blue button and chat with someone.
Welcome to chat.
{Scott} I’d like to cancel my account.
The session has been accepted.
{Dennis G.} Hello, Scott. Welcome to j2 Global online support. I am Dennis, your online live Support Representative. How are you doing today?
Really wish I had had the time to respond to Dennis’ question here. To be honest, I needed a friend to talk to and Dennis was there to listen. I wonder if Dennis and I could’ve been friends. In fact, maybe that’s what my response should’ve been. Just a simple question, “Dennis, will you be my friend?”
Sadly, I didn’t have the time, because the message from him was instantly followed by the next one.
{Dennis G.} I am sorry to hear that you wish to cancel. Could you please provide me your fax number as well as the PIN for verification?
{Scott} 305-xxx-xxxx, the pin is xxxx
{Dennis G.} Thank you for providing your information. Please give me a moment while I go through your records. In the meantime, please type the number corresponding to your reason for cancellation:
1) Moving to another provider
2) Bought a fax machine
3) Business or role changed
4) Short term project completed
5) Financial reasons
6) Problems with faxing or billing
7) Dissatisfied with quality of service
Too costly
{Scott} 2
Why, Dennis didn’t really care at all! I’m glad I didn’t ask him if we could be friends. It was all business with him! It seemed the friend I saw in Dennis was an illusion and that Dennis was sitting there, prepared for people like me with copy and paste text in another window to post as instant responses in order to save time. 
{Dennis G.} Scott, I understand that currently you have a limited usage of our services. In the current situation, we will waive off the monthly fee for the next two billing cycles. You can use the fax service without the monthly fee for the next two billing cycles. Usage charges for sending faxes will apply. Please feel free to contact us at any time. This way you will be able to keep your fax number, which will enable you to send and receive any pending faxes with your number.
{Dennis G.} Your eFax account will be credited with $33.90 so that you may utilize our services without being billed our monthly fee for the next two billing cycles.
{Dennis G.} Since you will not be charged any monthly fee for the next two months you could keep the account till then. If however, you still feel that you do not have any use for our services by the end of this two months credit period, then you can always contact us back anytime. Will it be fine with you?
Another block of text. This personal experience of chatting with Dennis, eFax’s representative, was becoming less and less personal. I’m just a customer. And not a very valued one. But then, I guess nobody is if this is the way they part company with their customers. I just want to get away from this conversation. Yet I have no choice.
{Scott} No, I really have no intention of using the service. Everyone I deal with accepts scans of docs and jpgs sent over. So for me, it’s just money down the drain. Thanks, though.
{Dennis G.} I completely understand your wish to discontinue, since you have paid for the current billing cycle, you can retain this number at least till the end of two months credit offer as you will not be charged any monthly fee for the two billing cycles.
{Dennis G.} As a good will gesture, we will offer you an additional gift balance of $10 along with the monthly credit, which will enable to send up to 100 additional fax pages free of cost (per page per minute within US & Canada). However usage charges are applicable for sending faxes if any.
{Dennis G.} At the end of the 2 months credit period, you can get back to us immediately without any further obligation to stay back. We are available 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. Please feel free to contact us at any time. We will immediately process your request.
{Dennis G.} You can have it as your backup number for this period.
Hm. Well….maybe there’s a heart in there after all! Maybe Dennis and eFax DO care about me!!!
{Scott} Just one question… will an automatic rebill occur at the end of two months? I appreciate the gesture.
{Dennis G.} Please be assured, you will not be charged any monthly fees during this two months credit period. Only usage charges are applicable for sending faxes if any. After the end of two months credit period you will be charged regular monthly fee for maintaining the account.
{Dennis G.} If you feel that after the two months of credit period the number still does not serve your purpose you can get back to us anytime via the same chat session, there is certainly no obligation to stay back. We are available 24X7.
Another block of text all sent at once. A prepared answer.
You’re dead to me, Dennis. Off my list of possible friends. eFax isn’t winning any points here, either, by pretending to be all personal when, in fact, this is entirely impersonal and just an attempt to keep yanking money out of my bank every month.
{Scott} No thanks. Just cancel it now. I don’t want the two-month credit.
{Dennis G.} Okay, I understand and respect your decision for cancellation. I will cancel your account with us immediately.
{Dennis G.} We are sorry that you have decided to leave us. I will take care of the cancellation process immediately. However, if your faxing needs do change in the future, we would be more than happy to have you back.
{Dennis G.} Is there anything else that, I can assist you with?
{Scott} That’s it, thanks.
{Dennis G.} Pleasure to be of assistance.
{Dennis G.} Thank you for contacting j2 Global Online Support. Good-bye and take care!
The user has ended the session.
After I typed, my last statement, Dennis’s messages came instantly again and he was the user ending the session so abruptly. Not me. There was no saying our goodbyes. No, “I’ll be seeing you around the net, haha.” Nothing.
And wha… wait? j2 Global Support? You mean this was outsourced? That fact right there greatly reduced the odds of me building a relationship with Dennis and eFax. And by relationship what I mean is hot steamy sex. Me and eFax under the sheets.
No, I mean a customer to business relationship where the customer is valued and not pawned off like some number.
I knew Dennis and I would never be friends. I knew we wouldn’t. But it would’ve been nice if eFax had trained their staff to pretend to care. Or sent instructions to their outsourced staff to break away from script. But then… well, no.
I didn’t need to suffer through any of this. And poor Dennis… his job can be replaced by just a little bit of coding on the eFax website. Put a cancel account button on the site. After people click it, present them with the offer that Dennis made. Then, let them click, “Yes, I’m sure I want to cancel,” or “No, I want to take advantage of this offer.”
I would’ve been a much happier departing customer with that option rather than suffering through the impersonal touch.