I’m entering my dark period! No, I kid. This was from the recent pregnancy shoot I did over the weekend. There was this one photo of the soon-to-be-mother standing in front of the ocean. I looked at it untouched and, in full color, I fell in love. Beautiful blue skies, the ocean, a radiant mom, with her small belly holding their first child portruding just a bit. I loved the photo. Untouched, I was pleased: I felt I was capturing complete joy at that moment.

And then I saw the silhouette. Then the image took a left turn.

Scott is happy.
(In a happy ending to this story, the mom and dad got the beautiful happy color photo, which is a probably really good memory to keep. I gave them this one, too, since, you know… their photos. )

I’ve been making arrangements lately to leave this life o’ mine here. Temporarily. I don’t know for how long. Hopefully, I will be gone no longer than a month.

I’m spending the next few days wrapping up projects. Tending to this and that before I break for intermission.

A really happy moment I wanted to share with you: In the last few days, I did a pregnancy shoot for some good friends of mine. They’re such wonderful people. (I know they read this so I have to say that. No, they really are.) Anyway, it was great seeing them and I’m really happy with the results. When I look through photos that I’ve taken, the shots capturing important moments in their lives have been some of my favorites. A birthday, a wedding, and now a pregnancy. I’m glad I’ve been there for that. And I’m glad I’ve been able to give back a little to them for their friendship. Thanks guys. You’re awesome.

They’re actually the people that advised I get business cards made that read:

ipanemic.com photography
Birthdays, Bar Mitzvahs, & Porn!

Funny.

It would be fitting, although, you know… not in porn. Art, people. Art.

Seriously. (Except for bits and pieces, I suppose.)

Back to what I was saying (because I do tend to get off-topic), yesterday, working under the assumption that I will return to this beach, I rented a storage unit. A small place to keep what few belongings I have. And there I saw what I already knew: Miami’s homeless rent storage spaces. They rent small places to keep what few belongings they have.

About a year and a half ago, I met a fellow on the beach who told me that he lived like this. Every month he got a certain amount of money from sources unknown. Disability, let’s say. He spent some of it on storage and then ate inexpensive meals until the money ran out at which point he would do what so many of the homeless do in South Beach and rummage through the trash bins dotting this island. You know, the green bins all over Lincoln Road and Ocean Drive. And Washington Ave. He would tell me what good meals you could get on the beach. From the bins. He would sleep wherever he found refuge each night. Then, in the mornings, he would collect what he needed from his “home” and head to one of his familiar haunts to sit down and read whatever latest book he’s checked out from the public library. This is his life.

And it’s the life of many here. When I was describing the scene to my roommate last night, he only asked, “You’re not thinking of doing that, are you?”

I would be lying if I said that I haven’t considered it. Many, many times. Many. But no, I’m not. Instead, I’m heading elsewhere. Somewhere with a roof. I have that option. I’m fortunate that I do.

So I’m going there to focus. I haven’t been able to get stuff done here. Not as much lately as I’d like. I really need to concentrate a little more than normal. The problem with having multiple personality disorder is that you frequently need to regroup. And it’s not always easy pulling the whole team together.

Anyway, I’m going to be out for a bit. I’ll still be updating. Snapshots of life here, snapshots of life there. I’ve got such a ridiculous amount of photos and video of this place that, were I not announcing my time off, I could keep up a facade of actually living here for a while with you being none the wiser. But that would just be silly.

I should be leaving within the next few days.

Bonus

New song, PA1974. Downloadable mp3 here.

Or listen here:

PA1974

Update: The mp3 files are getting cut short in the player for some reason. About 14 seconds off the end, roughly. The downloaded version works okay. Weird. Need to solve that.

It’s freezing today so I naturally decided to try and stay warm. Normally, that wouldn’t be a problem. I live in South Florida and I have a pullover. And that’s pretty much all I need.

But then I remembered as the first brisk wind blew across me this morning that some girl has my pullover. Doh. (No rush. Stay warm! )

So I’ve been doing the best I can with my live-on-the-beach-wear. You know. Shorts. Flip-flops. T-shirt. It started simply enough with me throwing a polo type shirt over a tee this morning, but as the day turned into night, my layers of clothing progressed into a color-coordinated ensemble of sleepwear, casual day wear, and dinner wear. All in one. With a little German sock/flip-flop action going on.

I have to say, I look pretty snappy. In fact, I look so snappy that when I added the final layer and Ginger saw it, she immediately grabbed her camera to capture this masterpiece. She took a lot of pictures. That let me know right there how good I looked.

A few minutes later, I saw my friend Jack and then HE wanted to take a picture as well. But then he laughed. And then I remembered that Jack’s pretty much a wiener. So maybe I don’t actually look good.

I don’t care. Losers. At least I’m warm.

That’s it. I’m done with erotica.

And I’m done with it out of frustration. While I went on an exploration and became very comfortable with it, while I enjoy shooting what I shoot and am trying to create something more than simply filth, it doesn’t matter in the slightest. It’s simply filth to too many.

It’s really unfortunate.

I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do yet. I don’t know exactly how I’m going to do this. I can tell you this: I’m not going anywhere. I’m absolutely not. But I don’t know yet how I’m going to work this.

That erotica site that I run… it’s not going anywhere. I’m probably going to shut down memberships, though, and simply allow straight purchase of individual photos or sets. And videos. Or maybe not. Maybe I’ll just shut it down. I doubt I’ll shoot any more content for it unless… unless I don’t know.

I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I’m just tired of this bull crap. I sometimes want to yell out at the world to just… Argh! It’s sooooo, sooo annoying to me, this nonsense.

I can’t fight this. There is just too big of a stigma and I don’t want to be marginalized because of societal views. I’m just so tired of this.

AAAAAUUUUGGGGGH!!! It’s so frustrating. Maybe I won’t quit. I don’t know yet. I just need to vent and tell you that you’re irritating me, people. Some of you.