Team Sunshine

Posted on November 7, 2010 by Scott

I’ve uploaded the photos taken during the Out of the Darkness community walk from October 24th. Photos are here. It was a good day.

Walking for Team Sunshine (and in the photos):
Twin sisters Barbara and Anabel.
Baby Lucas!
Caitlin.
Sandra.
Brian.
Maria.
Mark.
Ginger.

This was the largest walk ever in Miami with just short of 1,000 people walking that day. Butterflies released at the end, children making wishes on them. It was pleasant. And only sad very briefly. I’d rather celebrate life and focus on doing something good than focus on what can’t be changed.

Hopefully, the money raised will make a significant difference in the lives of others.

Team Sunshine pictured above. I’m the one with long hair (which is finally long gone).

Accomplished

Posted on October 25, 2010 by Scott

Accomplished this weekend:

Raised almost $2,500 for American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Team Sunshine raised $3,350 which was awesome. (Still taking donations, less than $300 away from goal. Have to go through photos and video still from yesterday.)
Hit the 25,000 kilometer mark on Scooter!!!!! My god.
Worked. I’m now driving Scooter professionally (part-time).
Took photos.
Uploaded some photos taken from a a too-late trip to the cemetery on the 8th of October. Photos include graffiti from around the area, self-portraits, and the always popular “whatnot.” (What the hell is up with everyone covering graffiti lately?)
Chilled with friends, talked to family.
Caught up on sleep apparently, judging from last night’s 14-hour snoozefest.

A bright, bright, sunshiney day

Posted on October 23, 2010 by Scott

10am this morning, University of Miami, Coral Gables Campus: Walk to help prevent suicide and make a difference in the lives of others.

I’ll be walking as captain of Team Sunshine It’s not too late to make a donation, if you’d like. And it’s certainly not too late to join us in walking.

As of tonight, I raised $2,065 (including a cash donation). I don’t think that’s too bad. My initial goal had been $500 and that goal was met within 20 hours of announcing that I was doing the walk. Some last minute contributions (including one anonymous donation of $500 – again, thank you, anonymous) helped push me close to my second goal of $2,500.

Thank you, everyone, for your support. As I said before, if the money raised can keep one person from considering suicide… there’s simply no dollar value that you can put on that.

So we’re meeting in front of the post office just to the northwest of where the walk starts at 9:30-9:45. If anyone else is thinking of coming, here’s a map:

View University of Miami–2010 Out of the Darkness Walk in a larger map

List of things to do when I wake up. [Updated]

Posted on October 22, 2010 by Scott

Talk to Team Sunshine members. Last weekday of drive, still have Saturday for any last-minute walkers or donors. Email news about Miami breaking records for Out of Darkness walk this year. Talk to Barbara about t-shirts first thing in the morning.

Important Side Note:

On Sunday, October 24th (this weekend) at 10am, I will be walking as captain of Team Sunshine to raise money and awareness about suicide prevention in the Miami Out of the Darkness Walk. Proceeds benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention to help in research and education. It’s a worthwhile and good cause.

And it is, unfortunately, personal. This is why I’m doing this walk. To help in the prevention of suicide. If any money raised can prevent one person from killing themselves… I can tell you that there is simply no way to put a value on that.

This is one of a million good ways to make a difference. And it’s something that a lot of people can do easily. Please consider donating. Our goal is $10,000. My personal goal is $2,500. I would love to see these goals reached.

If you’d like to donate to our team to help us reach our goal, you can donate here. (All donations are tax deductible.)

Mr. J, Mark, Marco, Ginger, Kevin, Yvette… I need to keep them at the forefront. And a ton of others. I know I’m missing very important people.

Oh, right. Zach. Sigh. God, I miss him. I need to put together that surfing video of him still. I wish he were right now. For however long he wanted. Indefinitely would be awesome.

Need to call mom and pops.

Am I going to have time to shoot Christie? Need to call her early. Find out when they’re arriving at the hotel. And which hotel.

Mark after work?

Mr. J between 3:30-5:30 or anytime after?

Talk to school. Talk to the scooter places. Give everyone I know the option to do something really good.

Because this weekend, it’s all about that. About Team Sunshine. And doing something good. I can’t commit to anything else right now. I can’t write an article. I can’t write a post.

(And photos, my god… I am just falling farther and farther behind.)

And I smell like a dirty dish drain. I should just go to bed. Sleep, before tomorrow.

UPDATE: Thank you, thank you, thank you. To the anonymous donor, to Tommy and to Gary. Thank you.

This Week

Posted on October 18, 2010 by Scott

Two events:

Flickr Meetup

A meeting of Flickr photographers to meet, greet and shoot.
Saturday, October 23rd
4pm @ Esplanade Park in Ft. Lauderdale (Downtown on NW 2nd Ave across from Museum of Discovery and Science
RSVP here.

Out of the Darkness Walk

To raise money and awareness for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
Sunday, October 24th
10am, @ University of Miami, Coral Gables Campus
Donate here or join the team here.

I think I have something else, but I can’t remember. I’ll update as appropriate.

(Photo unrelated.)

Week in Review (thus far)

Posted on September 22, 2010 by Scott

Sunday.

My day starts simply enough. I wake up early, get busy processing photos, updating the site and networks as usual. Checked my social networks, see what’s doin’ with friends. Coffee. Cigarettes.

(Anxiously awaiting the arrival of newly ordered electronic cigarettes.)

I’m to shoot one of my favorite models in the afternoon. I head over to Ginger’s to relax for a bit. Chill out. I show her the business cards which just arrived, pleased with the new design. The three o’clock shoot gets pushed to four. To five. After six, I think of canceling to avoid driving in the dark with equipment strapped all over my body. The light is beginning to fade. As I pick up my phone to send the text, it rings. Model ready. Awesome!

I head over to the hotel where we’re shooting. She meets me downstairs and we go up to the penthouse suite. We’re going to be shooting on the balcony/veranda/patio. As I enter the suite behind her, introductions are made: “Everyone this is Scott. Scott, this is everyone.” In the mix, I meet the model’s husband. Finally, after two years, I meet him. Nice fellow. Wish we had had more time to talk.

A gaggle of young men lounge on couches, a young woman lounges on a bed behind them, and in the foreground, a photographer shoots a model sitting on another bed. He’s shooting stills for a film about to be shot.

The model and I walk through the french doors to the patio outside. Beautiful location. We talk about where on the patio we’re going to shoot. The light is getting low as the sun is down behind the hotel, resting on the horizon. We identify three, possibly four locations. While she undresses and changes into her first outfit (a black bra and jeans), we catch up on what’s going on.

She told me the prior week that she would donate all proceeds from the sale of her photographs to the two causes. I’m excited about this; she’s one of the most popular models I shoot. We talk some about the business. The business is the reason I’m there. That, and she’s a great friend who I don’t get to see that often. And she shoots just beautifully. She’s now dressed, we’re ready to go.

Light tests. Everything looks washed out.

The men come outside for a cigarette while we’re shooting. We continue, they finish their cigarettes and go inside. She changes into a white top. Soon her jeans are off. I step on something. I look down and realize I have stepped on a tube of lubricant. “It’s water based, don’t worry about it,” she says.

I had taken my shoes off before we started shooting and was wearing socks. (In a fixed location, I prefer working in socks. I don’t know why. I think it’s a carry-over from when I was shooting erotic videos of models and was trying to reduce background noise by not wearing shoes.) Heel prints of lube begin to cover the dark wood patio flooring as I work my way around the model. I notice an older man in the building across the street has taken an interest through his window at our shoot. The model waves. Or maybe she gives him the finger. I can’t tell from my angle.

The couch. That beautiful, beautiful white couch. I wanted to shoot her nude on the couch but the sun has long since left. We take a couple of test shots. Nope, not going to happen. Thirty minutes of light, gone.

She gets dressed, I pack my equipment (nearly all of which I didn’t need to bring – I didn’t even shoot with my own lens, for the most part, but instead used one of hers), and we head inside. Step around the lights, talk to some of the guys for a moment, the model on the bed being photographed is sitting upright (not for much longer, I know); she wears only a thong now.

“The best part was definitely Joshua Tree,” I say to the guy who I’m engaged with in conversation. The topic of my cross-country scooter trip(s) had come up because the model had announced that I arrived to the hotel, carrying all of my equipment, on a scooter and went on to mention the trip. Flashes are going off as the girl being shot adjusts her position on the bed.

The model walks me out, we say goodbye on the street, and I head back to the scooter. I change the lens on my camera and adjust setting for night shots on the street. My memory card is nearly full.

Later that night, sitting on the porch, I register for the Out of the Darkness Community Walk to raise money to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

Monday

I spend the entire day and evening sitting on the porch. I am shifting my time between working on photos, updating and tweaking ipanemic.com, and sending thank you emails to people who have donated. I get a phone call from a friend. She suggests that we form a team. She’s got a good network of people and I like the idea. I tell her I’ll look into what’s needed. I spend a long time on the phone that evening with a family member talking about Alec.

As we talk, I bring up the topic of the one thing I didn’t really consider when I decided to restructure my business (and subsequently, my life): the simple fact that Alec’s death would be more in front of me by doing this. I mention that after I had sent the email out to models letting them know of business restructure before I publicly announced it, that I had received an email back from one of the models and it broke me. She had been unaware of what had happened to Alec. Has a daughter of her own. Couldn’t fathom.

More than a few times since, I’ve been broken. Communicating with others about suicide, about Alec, about life. That this will upset me is inevitable. But I believe in what I’m doing. It’s important. It’s worthwhile. And whatever I feel is so obscenely unimportant in this. But this is what families and friends go through. Pain’s inescapable. So why not make a difference in the lives of others? There’s no changing what’s already done. The only thing to do is hopefully make a change for the better for others.

At some point, during the day, I get a call from a fellow who works as a case worker for the homeless on Miami Beach. I tell him that we’ll meet later in the week if it’s convenient. His is a story I would love to tell, but he’s asked that I not. Hopefully, I will meet him before week’s end.

Back on the porch after the call. Mosquitoes have lined up around the corner for the buffet dinner that is my calves.

Tuesday

Photos. Updates. Tweaks. I head to the beach around midday. I enjoy a brief snack on Ocean Drive. It’s quiet. Not that many people out. It is, after all, the middle of the day on Tuesday. (I think about OddTodd’s Life (NSFW) for a minute.) I go to Lincoln Road. I spend a couple of hours walking around, sitting around, standing around, taking photos.

I walk over to the boardwalk and while I’m there, a fellow about my age walks over just as I’m about to connect my camera to my laptop and download photos. His skin is leathery, his appearance unkempt. Unshowered.

He asks for a cigarette. I give him two: one for him, one for his girlfriend. They just had everything stolen. No money. Have to wait a couple of days. He asks if I’m a photographer, I tell him I am. I say I shoot stuff like this, as I point my camera over at a young girl getting a sip of water from the fountain by the shower. Cool, he says.

He tells me he’s not a bum (an assurance I didn’t ask for or need), thanks me for the cigarettes, and walks back to his girlfriend. A few minutes later, I pack my laptop, wrap the camera strap around my wrist, and begin to leave. I say goodbye to the couple. He mentions wishing they had some wine. I wave and wish he and his girlfriend the best, uncertain what to do in this moment.

I go to Ginger’s in the early evening to chill for a few. I see friends. I’ve now connected to the fourth wireless network of the day, sending thank you emails to more donors, checking stats, checking in with people. My electronic cigarette has arrived in the mail. Awesome.

I head back to Wonderland after nightfall. I sit on the porch and begin to go through the photos from the day. The mosquitoes don’t eat me alive.

175 photos that look worthwhile from the day. This will take some time.

This is my life now. Planning shoots, talking with models, communicating with philanthropy-types, trying to coordinate events, writing documents, shooting photos of life on the beach, working on photos, working on the site, trying to bring the various elements of this business together, trying to stay connected to the people in my life, managing the phone calls and emails and the responses, figuring out my next move(s). Sitting at this laptop hour after hour after hour. It’s not a bad life. Oh, and then there’s the health. That, too. The trips to the VA. It just feels really busy right now.

Wednesday

It’s Wednesday now.

Team Sunshine is now formed. Sunshine was Alec’s nickname. Adopted from the movie, Remember the Titans, Alec’s friends saw him as being Sunshine defined. The name could not have been more appropriate for him. He was sunshine.

If you’d like to join Team Sunshine and take part in the Out of the Darkness walk with me, please visit this page to join: http://afsp.donordrive.com/team/sunshine

Wow.

Posted on September 20, 2010 by Scott

Less than 20 hours ago, I mentioned that I am walking on October 24th in the Out of the Darkness Community Walk in Miami-Dade County to raise money to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I mentioned having what I thought was a reasonable goal of $500.

In less than 20 hours, you contributed and pushed me over my goal. I’m shocked. Thank you. Thank you for your donations and thank you, all, for spreading the word. Thank you for your support.

Even though I reached my personal goal, I’m going to continue to ask for your support. I clearly underestimated your willingness and desire to support this cause. And even as I type this post, donations continue to come. All donations go directly to the AFSP through DonorDrive and are 100% tax deductible. To make a donation and to read more about it, click here.

I don’t want to trivialize this into some sales pitch for charity. Because this isn’t. There are deaths that can be prevented, lives that can be saved. $500 is just a number. The more that’s given, the greater the chance that lives are saved. A life that touches others, maybe even yours. This is helping to keep others from taking their own lives and hopefully getting them outside of that cycle of depression which too many of us know too well.

DonorDrive gives fundraisers the option of changing their fundraising goal dollar amount, but I’m not going to. I’m going to leave it at $500 just to see how much over that amount it goes. Again, if you’d like to contribute and support this cause, you may do so by visiting this page.

Honestly, I have so much more to say about this but I’ve already edited this post about one hundred times. I think it would simply be more prudent to write an entirely separate post.

Make a difference

Posted on September 19, 2010 by Scott

A couple of weeks ago, I went by Miami Beach Senior High where Alec went to school while he was here. It was the first time I had been there since my sons left in December of ’08. It wasn’t a particularly pleasant experience, going there. As soon as I crossed through the gate and saw the office, I got choked up. And even though it seemed like I could cruise through the meeting without incident, I completely lost my composure in front of the administrator who graciously took the time to speak with me. Such is life.

My reason for going was simple. I wanted to know if there were any local organizations (that the school supported) whose mission was to help troubled teens. I found out that there is: the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

On October 24th at 10am, I will be taking part in the Miami-Dade County Out of the Darkness Community Walk which raises money to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. From the Out of the Darkness website:

WALK TO SAVE LIVES…

In the United States, a person dies by suicide every 16 minutes, claiming more than 33,000 lives each year. It is estimated that an attempt is made every minute; with close to one million people attempting suicide annually. With your participation, you will not just be walking, and your donors will not just be writing a check – you will be helping to save lives.

By walking in the Out of the Darkness Community Walks to benefit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), you will be walking with thousands of people nationwide to raise money for AFSP’s vital research and education programs to prevent suicide and save lives, increase national awareness about depression and suicide, advocate for mental health issues, and assist survivors of suicide loss.

WALK TO HONOR A LOVED ONE…Many of our participants walk in memory of a loved one lost to suicide. AFSP provides opportunities for survivors of suicide loss to connect with each other and get involved through a wide variety of educational, outreach, awareness, advocacy and fundraising programs. Each walk site has its own unique remembrance activity in which you can participate to honor a loved one.

WALK TO RAISE AWARENESS… AFSP funds research aimed at improving our understanding of suicide and ways to prevent it as well as educational activities to increase awareness about prevention, warning signs and the psychiatric illnesses that can lead to suicide.

By deciding to walk you are taking us a step closer to making suicide prevention a national priority.

The walk takes place at the Coral Gables campus of the University of Miami. It would be great to have a team of people to walk together. No, it would be awesome.

I’ve set a fairly reasonable fundraising goal for myself of $500. Please consider giving to this worthwhile cause. If you’d like to donate to help me reach that goal, there is a DonorDrive page (secure and easy) where you can make donations directly. The donation page is located here: http://afsp.donordrive.com/participant/alec

Most of you are already aware of what is behind this, but for those who aren’t: my oldest son, Alec, committed suicide earlier this year. Here is some of my account of that. And here is a page on Facebook in loving memory of Alec. A cursory glance through the comments and through the friends list, and you can see the impact Alec’s life and death had on others. For a while, I left the group because it was just… too much sadness. Six months, Alec has been gone now. He left a giant hole in the hearts of many.

This is my motivation and while I can’t bring Alec back, I CAN make a difference in the lives of others and help to reduce suicide. Please consider making a donation to support this cause.

Thank you.

(The photo is one I snapped of Alec and Zach while we were riding a ferris wheel years ago in South Carolina.)

The Darkness and the Light

Posted on March 17, 2010 by Scott

Cue it up, listen now as you read.
I’m kind of battling with two different things right now, and trying to find the balance between everything. I think I should warn you that, while this isn’t graphic in nature, that the content of this post may be upsetting. If you’re of influential mind, just take into consideration that suicide is NOT the choice you have to make.

The Darkness

I made this statement yesterday and just sort of left it floating out there. Let me connect the dots in my mind and make it a little more transparent.

For Christmas this year, I bought Alec the book Gonzo, The Life of Hunter. S. Thompson. After Alec was buried, I stopped by his mom’s house to go through his stuff. The book was lying on the coffee table. I asked for it.

It’s sitting beside me as I type. I read bits and pieces, what I can at any given time. I already know the story.

There’s a reason that Alec wanted that book. It was on a Christmas list of the few things he wanted. Of all the simple things on that list (like shoes), I really wanted to get him the book because I knew how much it would mean to him; and it meant a lot to me to give it to him.

When Alec and Zach moved back to live with me here on the beach, the three of us watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Unquestionably, a great movie. A movie I knew that Alec would appreciate. At some point, and I don’t know when, Alec fell into this routine where he would fall asleep with this movie playing each night on the tv in his bedroom. I would walk in the room later in the evening sometimes and cut it off. His eyes would be closed, he would be in dream land.

I always loved that about Alec. I loved his mind.

From IMDB’s description of the Fear and Loathing:

The big-screen version of Hunter S. Thompson’s seminal psychedelic classic about his road trip across Western America as he and his large Samoan lawyer searched desperately for the “American dream”… they were helped in large part by the huge amount of drugs and alcohol kept in their convertible, The Red Shark.

Take a look:

This is the cover of the book I bought Alec.

And now this:

This is a photo of Alec taken with his cellphone, sitting in a waffle house in South Carolina not long ago.

Hunter S. Thompson committed suicide. He shot himself in the head.
Alec used a 12-gauge shotgun to end his life the same way.

I’m undeniably in a pretty dark area right now. This is my dark spot. This is the place I hate for my mind to wander. It’s not a good place but it’s a place I can’t avoid stepping; the horrible murk of my mind where I bog myself down. I think about who Alec was and why he became the person that he was. And my role as his father in his life.

And it’s barely the beginning; it’s only a small part of my madness right now. I spend a LOT of my time right now trying NOT to think too much about this. And this little bit with Hunter S. Thomspon is only a small fraction of everything factoring into Alec’s psyche. And there’s a lot of that psyche that came from me.

Unfortunately, because I knew Alec so intimately, I feel certain that I know I can figure out exactly why he did this. I feel certain that I can figure out the exact mental state that brought him to the place he was. Only it’s difficult. And I wasn’t the only influence in his life. And there was a lot of day to day that factors into this that I’m missing. There are so many variables and this is only one.

For example, let’s take into consideration the movie Donnie Darko. Let’s take into account that it was one of our favorite movies (Alec, Zach, and I). Let’s factor in that on the Wednesday following his suicide, as we’re all sitting around with the pastor who would preside over his funeral, that Alec’s girlfriend and I instantly remember one of Alec’s favorite songs, Mad World as performed by Michael Andrews (a Tears for Fears remake). We looked at each other, smiling, knowing that little bit about Alec that made him special. And then the pastor asked how it went. And then I started to quote the chorus:

“And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which I’m dying,
Are the best I’ve ever had.”

And before I could get the words out, I had already stopped in my mind to contemplate the theme of the movie. The character development of Donnie Darko. And why he made the decisions that he did.

I think about the parallels between Alec’s life and the movie which had such an effect on him. If you aren’t already listening, here. Listen. Or don’t. I can tell you that I will listen repeatedly for the rest of my days. Only now, I will be hearing one thing. This was one of my favorite songs. This was one of Alec’s. We didn’t play it at the funeral. It was playing at the visitation, though.

My god, he was beautiful. So very beautiful.

The Light

Alec took a left turn that I didn’t see coming.

When I was at the airport in hysterics the night he killed himself, trying to get a flight home, I was on the phone with my ex to let her know where I was; let her know that I would be there soon. At the time, I was completely intoxicated, trying to numb anything and everything. The only thing I knew was that Alec had shot himself with a 12-gauge shotgun and died. And he had done it in the front yard of his mother’s house. Alone.

And then, as I’m standing in line at the security checkpoint she told me, “Alec left a note.” She told me that it was at the police station. She said she hadn’t read it and wasn’t going to pick it up but that someone else had read it and relayed to her that the gist of the note was that Alec was happy. And then my phone died.

For a few brief moments that followed, maybe half an hour, I had relative comfort. I had some peace, thinking about Alec and his mental state.

The next morning, before seeing anyone, I drove to the police station to get the note. I had to have the note. I waited in the station with my mom for what felt like an eternity as they made a copy of the note. The chief of police brought the copy out to me.

In classic Alec fashion, he started in one pen, scrawled out a sentence, and then it ran out of ink. Or wasn’t writing well enough for him. He switched pens.

In the note, Alec wrote that he wasn’t scared to do it anymore. (Change pens.) He wrote that he wasn’t doing it because he didn’t like his life. That he was actually happy as hell. And then he said that he only wished that he could hold his girlfriend in his arms once more and see his dad. Then he said he would see us later. Then he signed it: love love love love love LOVE Alec/Benji. He drew a heart at the bottom.

After he wrote the note, he left it on the front steps of his mother’s house. Then he went into the front yard and took his life. There were six empty beer cans around him. Liquid courage, I assume.

This is the thing. This is the left turn. Nobody knew that he was going to do this. Nobody had any idea that he would even ponder something like this. Alec and I had had conversations in the past where suicide had come up, not as something that needed to be addressed between us but just in casual conversation. And when I would ask him to assure me that he would never do anything so stupid, he would just laugh and say of course not. That it was absurd. It was absurd and I knew it.

And yet, here we are. And he was happy.

I don’t know the steps Alec took to get to this place. I can’t fathom his mental state entirely. But I know this:

Somehow Alec reached this decision. This was a choice he made. A choice. He could have done something else entirely different. Yet, this was, in his mind, the step that he chose to take.

I am left with no choice but to respect his decision.

It’s a horrible decision. But I have to respect it because it was his. Somehow, in that beautiful mind of his, he came to this. In his apparently tortured self, this was the path to travel. I have to respect that he made this decision and just say, “Okay. Well… okay.”

I don’t know. My mind wanders in a million directions trying to pull everything together. Well done, son. You stumped your old man. And I want to believe that you were happy. It makes it so much easier while at the same time absurdly baffling. Of course, he knew if he had talked to anybody about this ahead of time, they would’ve tried to talk him out of it. His mind was made up. This was the decision he was going to make.

Shortly after the news of his death started to circulate, there was an incredible outpouring of love. Love for which I will never be able to thank everyone enough. There was one email I received that stood out differently from the rest. Someone had referenced the following analogy: If a man is burning alive and has a gun, can you fault him for taking his own life?

I can’t. I just don’t know what the hell was going on. I don’t know that he was burning.

Alec was suuuuuuuuch a good person. He had the biggest heart and never wanted to see anyone hurt. His girlfriend told me that Alec had said that he didn’t want anyone to have to suffer because of his decisions. (He had just gotten in trouble the previous week, had lost some privileges.)

So then… what?

Alec wasn’t an idiot. He knew that this would break the hearts of everyone in his life. He knew that time would heal the wound or at least make it bearable. I just can’t make the left turn that got him to this place. I can’t see how he made it. Alec was such a good kid. So full of life. Everybody loved Alec. Everybody. And he had SUCH a positive impact on the people in his life and the lives that he touched. He had EVERYTHING going for him. And he had a level of confidence about him that was so impressive. Yes, he had insecurities, but he had this… this air about him.

The act itself – the actual suicide – not a good thing. I don’t condone suicide. Suicide is NOT the solution to anything. But what the hell happened?

As confused as I am and unable to figure out how to do basically anything that requires thought right now, I’m left with only one option and that is to simply enjoy every bit of who he was for those 18 years. While the thoughts plague me, I have to appreciate that this is what his life was. That this was all there was. I had 18 years with him. And I have to love that. It’s not that difficult. Just there are moments of pain and grief and guilt and blame and everything else.

My god, what a beautiful life. A tragically beautiful life. I just love him.

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